10:37 p.m., Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Is it just me or LJ is screwed? ah whatever. I had a bad night, but I'll survive. Now let me indulge in mindless crack known as NEWS and d.gay-man ficcage.

10:38 p.m., Friday, March 21, 2008
[music|Nodame Cantabile: Mozart - Sonata for 2 Pianos in D major 1st movement]

So it's Good Friday.

It always starts to become dark at about the same time very year. Went for stations of the cross in the morning, bumped into my beloved mortal Marie and had a nice conversation with her.

I was particularly grouchy today. Mom is being grossly unhelpful and maybe I was being extremely irritable. Looking at my miserable grades trying to study while my mom whines about how she wants to go out for dinner or comes in to bother me when I study.

I had enough so I went out despite the rain.

Cold, wet feet.

Caught in between toes.

Muddy puddles.

Took the bus to Toa Payoh. I just sat there, stared at the rain pouring down on the smeared bus window. I've always like the upper deck of buses, especially windows unbarred by advertisements.

Took the MRT to Novena.

Sometimes, I don't know whats better.

Quality vs Quantity?
Certain things need to build up.

a bloodcurling etude.

Meeting Dad tomorrow, which I'm not particularly looking forward to.

Am I stressed?

Am I burning out?

I don't think I'm either of those.

Just feeling very drained.

sian

Is the right word.

06:37 p.m., Wednesday, February 20, 2008
on hiatus.

04:19 p.m., Wednesday, December 26, 2007
[music|KOKIA - Follow the nightingale]

Merry Christmas! and Happy Boxing Day!

I have been neglecting this place a bit, since CCAAB. Although I enjoy LJ comms and such, I still prefer pitas. The year is coming to an end, I'll be a year older in a few months. This year has been, eventful would a good description. I guess a lot of changes, new school rudely dragged out of my usual comfort zone that IJ provided, sister/brother leaving, then Auntie leaving, discovery change and flexibilities. I think, this year was trying, in a tired sort of manner. Probably due to my own personal reluctance (and obstinance)

No matter, I think at this point I can say, I'm the type of person who doesn't like incompetence yet enjoys slacking. Slacking in the sense that I tend to go round things and walk around trying out things entirely unrelated to my goal, I'm not essentially an academic, (can tell by my pathetic grades) but I do find enjoyment in learning and school. I like school, not necessarily its people or culture but the fundamental idea of learning. Initially, I can't really point of what about school bothers me but now I'm pretty sure. However, I still want to accomplish my goal but falls short occassionally O levels is a kind reminder. I think, I'll make a pretty nice doctor but getting in is the problem. So in that way, I'm not very ambitious. I definitely don't think work is everything and sometimes it bothers me to watch other people work non-stop simultaneously missing out on friends or other leisurely activities. I like to think I'm the sort of person you can come up and approach me just to talk as a friend or for support anytime, not because I am but rather because I want to. I don't think people understand how little of these sort of people are around so, if you find one, tell me. Maybe, I'm unsure where my capabilities will take me. I think everyone is, some point or all their lives. Everyone wants to think they are unique, and special but it may not always translate into something positive. Instinctively, we're all different.

Well, that's all for now.

New year's resolution!

Stay Focused and don't falter in beliefs/morals/principles.

It's be a tough year ahead.

09:28 p.m., Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Back to civilisation. I just woke up, slept in to catch up on some sleep. I'm aching all over.

Yeah. We had morning PT where we ran, and ran and ran and goddamn frikkin' ran some more. We ran in step, we ran cheering, we ran singing and god knows what else.

Not to mention all those push ups and sit ups.

That's morning PT for you.

I hate running.

Then we had 4 challenges, situation games, the tower, ropes course and land expedition.

Situation games was okay. Mr Kyaw Saw Lyn was my station master so it was damn funny and Mr Lau Chee Keong over saw us for the physical games. It was on day 1 so we were still unfamiliar with each other but Jeanette (or flying geog soc as we call her) was checking out people's ass.

The tower was so much fun. Zipline and absailing.

I'm currently the infamous record holder of the person who spent the longest time on the challenge pole.

I stood there was 1hr 45min.

No shit.

I tried to jump off 5 times.

In the end I slipped and fell.

It was damn anti-climax.

Land expedition was around bukit timah hill. The steep steps kills. We walked for 2 hours plus to reach the end. Mosquito bites and the likes. I slip and fell on my butt and Jeanette offered to wipe the dirt off my ass.

The night walk was a lot of fun. Especially hearing some of the teachers conversations on the walkie-talkie. The teachers didn't realise we heard everything.

Our group dynamics were pretty cool. I spoke mostly to Nick Yin, Meng Jung and Verrell. I think I spent more time reflecting on this entire academic year than actually talking to people on a personal level. The way you know these people is different.

The last night we had a campfire, which was like reliving Orientation. Hell a lot of fun. Then it was a move from MOE Dairy Farm back to school in the night. More briefings and everyone was sleeping in the Hub so it was a co-ed dorm. Damn, can't change there. Debrief, Night snack and lights out at 12.

But knowing them. It wasn't lights out. I was pre-emptied by 1. Vivien who warned me about CCAAB and 2. Marvyn who overheard the teachers talking.

Rudely awakened by the loud hailer and changed in and out of our uniforms under 3 minutes back and forth. Not fun, did more pushups and god knows what else.

Then we had the final challenge. It was raining lightly. Yes the final challenge started at 2.30 and ended at 6. Prior to that we had 2 about hours of sleep, the Land Expedition and morning PT. Deprived of sleep? Hell yeah. If you're lucky you get 6 hours of sleep but mostly its about 5-3 hours. Apparently someone almost fainted after the final challenge. Carrying, climbing, running 2.4km at 5 am in the morning, wading through waist deep water after every round, crawling under drains, tunnels and god knows what in the dark.

It was very physically exhausting. I don't think I've ever attended a camp so physically and mentally draining. Another debrief then Breakfast. I took the opportunity to wash up and feel decent for CCAAB elections. Oh I know what it stands for now, it's the CCA Advisory Board where all CCA leaders are members and we elect 5 out of 6 positions. The CCAAB comm is solely know the CCAAB because it's comprised, maintained and run by and for the CCA leaders. In actuality, no one really hears about the comm, I didn't until CCAAB. The Chairperson position is reserved for head of CCA of council while the rest is elected. While waiting for council to calculate the ballots our mentor was giving back our valuables (read my phone and wallet) Yes, they were confiscated at the start of the camp.

Turned on my phone and it would not stop vibrating. Nick was very amused. OH MY GOSH YES I WAS REALLY HAPPY. Took a cab home, turned on my comp and started downloading my shows. Gorged on tim-tams (I don't really like them but) I am so deprived of polysaccharides.

Slept till 3 then woke up. Oh shit! Start changing, now. Showered, threw on a blouse and skirt for the appointment dinner to look formal. Wore my damn nice earrings (my only other pair...) then took a bus to school. Got stopped by the security guard, kept telling him YES DAMNIT I'M A STUDENT HERE. I HAVE A SCHOOL ATTENDANCE CARD! He's paranoid I swear. Everyone who came earlier than me were also stopped. Played my PSP, oh how I missed it. Everyone looked either really smart, damn pretty or just slutty. Had another debrief for an hour, then camwhored (reluctantly) Then we got our badges.

Dinner and whatever else. It was a bad move to bring kuroPWN. At first I lend it to Verrell to play, the Nick commented that I'm cooler than him for owning a PSP (hell yeah!) and some how the guys completely ignored me and started discussing among themselves who would be next to play. Then I asked Marvyn to give it back to me because dinner was starting and he gave me this shocked look and asked, "It's yours?!"

Obviously. Who puts monokuroboo stickers on their PSPs anyway? Thanks to Verrell, my screen is immaculately cleaned.

Quickly left when it ended, took a cab (again I know so decadent. It's such an AC thing to take a cab) to the Esplanade. Met my salaryman I mean uncle, Jia Jun who gave me the most beautiful hydrangeas and was very warmly hugged.

I swear I don't get hugged enough. There was purple paper and ribbons but I took them off last night, I took photo of it this afternoon.

Had supper at Max Brenner's and talked. And talked, and talked.

Yes it was a very pleasant night, especially going for supper was probably the best thing. Other than the fact CCAAB is over.

I did have fun during CCAAB. But I will still agree to disagree. I wasn't able to pin-point what exactly I didn't like about AC, but I know now. I still don't like though. And damn I missed the gang really badly during the camp, it's hard to talk to fellow leaders about gay porn, doramas and whatever else that we talk about. That's why they are my friends. There was a lot to think about. Deep down, I know I'd never fit in and the camp amplified our differences but these people still happily accept me for my character and my capablities.

Funny, I never thought of myself as someone who would exemplify school values. The teacher who gave it to me asked me why I admitted to making that mistake of going back to switch one of the equipment despite getting penalised. In all honesty, I told him whether that actually really mattered if we got penalised and then said that I didn't do it because it was a school value. More than not, I don't care even if was a school value!

I follow the rules, right skirt length, proper uniform etc etc not for the school. I absolutely cannot stand the school but it's a matter of personal principle. You think you can get away for being irresponsible and doing whatever you like in real life? Reality is harsh so deal with it. Half of my peers have been living happily sheltered and protected all their lives. When reality bites, it bites hard and it bites your ass.

But at the same time, there were people who really earned my respect.

The entire camp just dumped this entire academic year in AC into perspective.

As much as I hate the school, sometimes it ain't that bad.

But it can never replace the kind of friendship I have with my closest friends.

I know these so called fellow leaders in a very weird way. You know they're most trying times at camp, their capabilities, achievements but not who they really are.

It's strange.

neither here nor there.

I'm happy to be back. And looking forward to seeing the gang, knowing that I cherish and appreciate them more than ever.

I want to talk to my brother.
I want to talk to my sister.
I want to sleep.
I need to remember to settle my internship.

10:38 p.m., Tuesday, October 16, 2007
[music|Final Fantasy IX - Terra]

Been looping Terra all day. I guess it's useful that no one reads my pitas :D because the content is very different from my LJ. This place is almost Friends Only because hardly anyone seems to be able to get through.

I love Terra, it has to be one of my favourite tracks in all FF games but suddenly looping it all day on a wet, quiet Tuesday evening. It makes you think. It makes you miss. I'm so soppy but, I really do miss my siblings. A lot more than I let it show. After 5 minutes of it, I couldn't help it. There's something about this particular track.

It has always been special.

For many reasons.

Anyway, bah. I haven't been eating proper food. Just cooking when you're uninspired and grouchy sucks. Really, it does. And thinking of the washing up. You have no appetite at the end of it.

Another of those bouts of loneliness kicked in this evening. Getting pretty used to it, solitude suits me fine but the post-promo anxiety left me moodier than usual. I'm great at hiding my grumpyness if you don't know me too well. If you do, it's easy to predict when I'm moody. Left school on the dot, Jia Jun didn't reply my SMS and honestly I wasn't in the mood to bother anymore. I just took it that he was busy and went home. He later found out his tuition was cancelled, I didn't know how to react to that revelation but laughed. In the evening I had this longing to call him, but I didn't. I stubbornly refused to, I was convinced I forbade myself from writing to him unless he wrote back. halfway through I stopped and he called. It's a delicate issue, finding a balance. I don't want to be dependent on him because of my troubles or whatever shit may come my way. But I never hold it against him. I don't know. Really.

Yeah. I was feeling like crap though.

Ran for the bus twice and a lousy lunch.

I'm truly terrified of getting back my results.

I'm terrified of a lot things.

Reading my sister's comment made me smile and laugh genuinely today. Yet it pained me.

My mom is sleeping. It's just me and the computer. Awake, staring, thinking. It's nights like these you spend thinking.

I want to help, and change but yet I don't want some things to change. Which is in essence an oxymoron. There are things I still need to figure out, a lot of things in fact.

11:17 a.m., Saturday, October 13, 2007

I've been listening to Weeeek on loop. It's just such a happy-happy song.

backlogbacklogbacklog

Yesterday
Was AC games day 2. Just sat in school and grew roots in the library chionging bridge with Yiting, Darryl, Nick Tan and Shawn. It was fun, played english chess for a bit here and there and Taitee because AC games was just an utter mess. AC games was an managerial mess, on top of the rain which caused the games to come to a temporary halt. My entire class ponned school, attendance was once again a pathetic 2. I'm particularly close to my class, not the main clique. For me it's mostly just me and Xu Lu and that's good enough for me. Which reminds me I've yet to tell her chem results. Although I'd feel more comfortable if she found them on her own... Most of them went to Sentosa while the rest just stayed home I hear.

Changed into our old secondary school uniforms. We looked retarded I swear, it was hilarious. Jia Jun got asked by a teacher outside the second floor toilets. Yes, we're actually J1s. My form tutor walked past me, it was just ridiculous. Meng Jung insisted that Jia Jun looked cuter in his uniform than I did, so horrifying. Walked out of school, comparing how uncomfortable we felt in our respective former school uniforms. Yes, the SJI uniform is a walking toilet paper or looks like a PAP candidate while I've forgotten how hot it is to wear a pinafore on top of my blouse. Yes, it was humid after the rain and it was hot. And it was off to CJC. It was crazy, everywhere I saw people I knew and Marie tackled me, gave me a huge hug and a high pitch scream. That is one hell of an IJ girl :D Walked around a bit, we know way too many people in CJC. After walking a bit, either of us will stop to talk to our former classmates/friends/etc. We're such retards that we did the whole 'My O levels are coming leh *insert panic*' and the indecision of choosing a JC as follows:

"CJC quite nice leh but I don't know, maybe ACJC?"

Then it was off to AJC.
We were late. It ended so early and the level of activity was close to, zero. It was really quiet, a bit eery actually especially as it was getting dark. Sat there waited for Cyn and Kiwi, met Kane for the first time. Played stepmania, OMG I fail. I think the normal one with the mat and all works better for me. Talked a bit here and there then headed home because it was terribly late.

Took the bus home with Cyn and Jia Jun, watched Cyn walk home can't let her get ambushed by some cheekopek in the bushes, it was also amusing. She looks very cute when she waves XD

Changed bus and took 93 home. Had instant noodles with leftovers for dinner, did my I&R then promptly concussed. Was surprisingly tired.

11 Oct

AC games day 1. Didn't really do much, just played chess here and there. My PSP ran out of battery and I mourned for the loss of my companion. Yes, somehow I survived the day being PSP-less. Tuition was cancelled, went to Provence. Home, nothing particularly interesting happened. Oh wait, I forget.

10 Oct

Service in the morning. Followed by talks and really bad jokes during the House meeting. Aysha, Jeremy and Andrea crashed my house meeting, it was hilarious.

Went to Harbour Front without stepping into the roof. Yes, that's an achievement. hung out in PageOne for an hour or so and walked around a bit here and there, it was wonderfully enjoyable.

9 Oct
Chem SPA CD and disappointment. Went out soon after to talk to Jia Jun at TP MOS. Found out the day after that I failed chem because I failed MCQ spectacularly. It's really a waste, my other 2 sections were pretty respectable.

8 Oct
Out for lunch and grocery shopping, got caught in the rain.

Going to mass on Sunday morning and then Ms Ving at 2.30pm and it's off to my grandparent's house so I can't meet the rooftop people this Sunday afternoon. Hopefully we can find I time to come to my house and play DDR. (and finish food) :D

I don't know whether I regret going to AC. As much as I'd like to think I'm there for a reason, things often get blurry and times get difficult. It's difficult for me to ascertain with I truly like the school or not, I don't think I should have expectations and risk being disappointed. I'm just doing what I need to do and get through these 2 years and I've never been high-profile. More than not, I shy away from such attention.And dealing with some people who are just such a pain in the ass with their incompetence and stupidity really just makes me wonder where the hell they are storing their interllect. And yes we have the DARK SIDE which I have no qualms in flaming and insulting because deep down I know I'm a freaking elitist that way. And some of the drama that happens in school, utterly amuses me in a strange sort of way. I guess I've been pretty fortunate and coping comparatively well despite being physically away from my closest friends in addition that both my siblings away. Even now, I still miss them. Talking to Nick Tan, Shawn, Yiting and Darryl was doing some good for me especially Aysha was busy with First Aid. They are a bunch of surprisingly realistic people, we were talking about career/future, how goddamn filthy rich some of the fellow students are and the HDI of each countries. Yes people, Ireland is a pretty cool place to live and as is most Scandinavian countries. It feels good to be able to hold normal conversations sometimes, same way I like to converse with the rooftop people about animanga, games, JE and whatnots.

It has put a lot things into perspective, especially with the impending promo results. And with my constant useless anxiety, I hope it doesn't make me into a ridiculous neurotic bitch that I can turn into and hurt people unintentionally and jeopardise my relationships with other people.

I'd like to think I've grown emotionally and matured. As much as I know I've always been independent about things such as housework and studies, since young I've always relied on my siblings, my friends to distract me from unhappiness and pull me together when I'm in a crap mood. I guess maybe my relationship with Jia Jun has let me matured and grown, find out things about myself that I was previously unaware of and insecure I think I'm a bit too optimistic sometimes and my innecessant UA-ing.

I don't know.

If there are things that I can do to change and improve things, I want to be aware of them and do it.

Because life's a bitch and somehow we've got to deal with it. Wow. Long entry, first in the month I believe.

01:39 p.m., Tuesday, October 9, 2007
[music|NewS - Weeeek]

Back from chem SPA.

depressed just doesn't cut it.

I'm disappointed. Terribly.

My heart sank when my chem tutor told me I did worst in my promos than my terms for chem.

Bah.

sigh

I half expected it since well, my chem has been really crappy this year. Ironically, I put the most effort in chem. I wonder what I did wrong. Actually, there really isn't a need to wonder. Let's see, PSP, animanga, doramas need I say more?

Right now, I'm worried about my other subjects though I won't know till I find out next week.

Next week it is then.

I need to get promoted.

I need to pass.

I think I'll go out for a while.

10:45 a.m., Monday, October 8, 2007
[music|Koyama Keiichiro - Love Addiction]

Back!
Alive!
In one piece I believe.

Promos is over, that's one worry over with however the next is more pertinent to the future

results.

I promised my mom I will pass all my subjects.
I really don't know.
Fuck.

I guess, afterall I still prefer to use my pitas. LJ is for comms, and stalking and reading everyone else's posts. I'm a pitas person, I need my (quote) fresh healthy delicious pitas. I think their tagline is really cute. Nevertheless, sigh.

It's been hard living with only my mom.
I can't scale down my cooking.
I miss my siblings
the house is too empty
I'm inclined to do housework to vent my frustration
my mom's anal housekeeping habits can be terribly annoying, it just grates me the wrong way.

Occassionally my temprement sky-rockets when my mom accidentally calls me my sis or prods me to go shopping. Clothes shopping = my nightmare.

shrugs

The next worry is the possibility if meeting the MIA dad. I have to draft my emails for him, it's ridiculous and amusing simultaneously.

Ah well.

On to happier things, I was actually feeling kind of happy during the promo period due to certain positive externalities.

Been eating out more than usual, something I'm not used to.

I'm going out for lunch.

09:28 p.m., Friday, September 14, 2007
on hiatus.

05:56 p.m., Friday, August 10, 2007
[music|Monkey Majik - Long Shot Penny]

It's a glorious day :D

Met Cyn at 9 plus to pick up some necessities before heading to Botanic Gardens. Provence, was really damn crowded. Apparently, because of some programme which was aired yesterday attracting more than usual customers on top of the regulars (like me)

Went there. It was pretty empty.

Camwhoring flowers!

frangipanis

a beautiful flower I think it's related to the ginger family

Beautiful white blossoms, saw a lot of them around the stream

They were kind of cute

Happiness! In flowers. Reminds me of the happy things, being yellow and sunshine-like

Blossoms of a eccentric flame tree which is native to Queensland. Apparently the poor tree is confused and has been blooming all year because of our weather.

A vioelt water lily. I'm partial to purple.

I believe those are Amarylis

More white blossoms

Dragonfly on the pond. It's pink! Cyn was very amused.

Eating Provence sandwiches

The Pavillion we chilled out in till kena chased out by a photographer and a married couple posing. Cyn commented that ang mohs are so romantic. Really meh? Okay she wore a nice gown but I pity her having to wear so much make up in this sun.

View of the Swan Lake from the Pavillion

A pair of swans! In fact, the only pair of swans. They are very glam, gliding across the mirror of water. A nice surprise. I heard they were of concern because of bird-flu.

The washroom, which is really cool by the way. It was spanking clean and facing a row of plants. Nice. Maybe because we came on such an odd day and it was pretty early.

Bubbles! From where you ask?

The Perpetrators.

Kame-chan! LOL.

A humongous butterfly. It's so pretty, it's one half of a pair that was fluttering around the Sun Dial Garden.

Stoning on the field. Cyn still looks so cute.

Beverage of choice, Meiji Milk.

I'm going to sound like a dirty old man but Cyn has a nice ass does she not? Ha ha, this picture is so random.

And so is this. Another random pose.

Reclining on the grass. The most random picture of the lot. I don't really give a damn, I'll sprawl on the grass and I don't care of bugs. Maybe I'll scream if there were snakes but no, just ants. Lots of them and Cyn hates them.

The glorious sky. Which makes me want to sing Passion, Kirei na aozora no shita de It's a beautiful blue. Like the sea. But sea blue is different from sky blue. Still blue, and one of the two things that make me happy.

A sculpture in the middle of the Swan Lake, I don't remember seeing it previously.

Something cool from the Food Court. The food there is pretty good actually, a bit pricey but you get air conditioning, clean tables and Wireless@SG :D

The carving on the wooden benches.

It was a load of fun. I wished the rest could join us, but well... sigh

At least I had a lot of fun. Rolling around the grass, literally having the park to ourselves and doing basically nothing! I know I'll eventually regret it but I always say, there's a time for everything

If I'm going to have fun I might as well ditch everything and just enjoy it, rather than stressing about things and not maximising the gratification while I can.

I really have a lot to do actually.

Except I don't want to rush doing finish everything then realising that I've done them wrong and having to redo, eventually wasting even more time. I'll still go with my pace. Love that song, by Sunset Swish. And the animation for that song as one of the Bleach endings! Ah! Nova is so cute. I digress.

Well I least I've finished what I set out to do. Just have fun, relax and went to kino and Art Friend to look at materials for the Teacher's Day Souvenirs. We have to finish, minimum of 10 in 2 weeks. Mosaic, plaques. Yes, we can do it! Ha ha, I'll work them like slaves. Oh and my lunch hour on Monday is gone because I'll be going to see Madam about Open House. My J2 farewell plans have been crushed by the mock MT paper on Wednesday I'm sure secretly the school exam administration just absolutely loves me I have no idea which other day will be available because of prelims.

I'm really random. But my random is always inappropriately appropriate. Does that make sense? No, I guessed not XD Cyn always says Mom! You're so random XD Well I am, it's kind of funny. I don't know how thw idea popped into my head but at first I was thinking of going to the viewing deck (beyond the sea...) at HarbourFront but I know I'd get horrendously lost without JJ to guide me.

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?

Then I remembered the times at Thomson Site IJ. And what is the closest park to my house? Umm, Botanic Gardens. So it is.

And there was an exhibition on Linnaeus, the guy who came up with the classification system that we're studying in Evolution for H2 Bio. Which is,
Kingdom
Phylum
Class
Order
Family
Genus
Species

Or how I remember it as:
Kinky
Pi
Came
Over
For
Good
Smex/smut/sap whatever suits my fancy and my current mood.

I couldn't think of a JE boy/character with a P so it's Yamapi for now until I find another one.

Came home and started photoshoping my pics. Did the last bit of PW then went out to meet JJ at Provence which was still terribly crowded.

Today was a necessary recharge. But I can't help thinking whether I would have been productive without this excursion and instead spent time doing work. I conclude not.

I'm not too sure how I'm going to cope because from here on, it's a snowball. Now that's I've got to juggle school work, CCA, housework and meeting the important people.

Maybe having my brother back is a relief and a worry at the same time. I'll have to cook and do laundry with him around yet he can help me out with some of the household chores and even chip in for those "I need a break" times. Oh, plus it's a war for the sole usable washroom in the house. I am not amused.

I'll probably be able to do it.

I'll make it.

I think I should study out of the house.

07:10 p.m., Wednesday, August 8, 2007
[music|Sousei no Aquarion - Michelle]

One ACS National Day is a coordination disaster waiting to happen.

The sun.

The damn hot sun.

I'm quite sure I'm now sun burnt.

Went to Queensway Shopping Centre for laksa and decided to go to HarbourFront.

Just for curiousity. And Page One is there. Plus, I have never been there in my entire life, I'm really born and bred in the central of Singapore. Well, I don't remember going there and seeing as it is now. Maybe many years back but I can't remember. Walked around and saw things. I've got a nyanyanyanko keychain. Lol, I'll show it to you Sak, it's absolutely useless and ridiculous. But utterly adorable! I was hoping to try and get a Kogepan one or find a Mamegoma machine.

All I really needed was to have myself rooted to a bench, socks off and feet into the wading pool, staring at the sea and feeling the breeze.

It's nothing like before.
That's all I need.
It's presence is just good enough for me.

Somewhere beyond the sea
Somewhere wating for me

Absolutely soaking up the moment.

I love the sea. But I rarely see it and when I do, it just brightens up everything.
Pan+Sea = Euphoria.

The sun eventually made me drowsy. Along with the fact that I have been standing all morning during the celebrations.

But the sea has a curious effect on me. I don't think I'll ever get sick of it. I just love it. And the wind, its there but you don't see it. It's just there for you, always blowing.

I could get use to it a lot. I hope to go back there soon.

It's far beyond the star
It's near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon

It was refreshing for me, to leave the stifling aura and feel, free. And happy. I need the sea more often. It's strange. Maybe because I don't see it as often as I'd like to and yet it always brings comfort and happiness, it's just magical. Even if I did see it often, I'll never get sick of it. I'm those type that will just stare at the sea continously on a 3-hr boat ride.

And still stare at it on the 3-hr boat ride back.

Which reminds me, I kind of miss watching the sky from the IJ rooftop.

I'll do it on Saturday.

It's found again!
-What?-Eternity.
It's the sun merging
With the sea.
-Arthur Rimbaud, A Season in Hell and Illuminations

I'd really like to go there. Soon. Should be schedule allow.
Hmm, ditch the schedule!
:D

In the end I didn't walk into Page One. Which was the original intention.

Another reason to go back!

09:30 p.m., Wednesday, August 1, 2007

I'm amused. That's all XD

I'm running out of space on my comp. Crap. Finished Art Soc at 5+, went home with Qinyue. Xu Lu was absent today unfortunately.

Hung the open house banner. It was rather amusing, Mr Dunn was hilarious and I was standing in the middle of the road (like my grandfather owns it!) making sure it was well aligned.

I nearly got hit by a car. In a very funny way.

Yeah. Just really tired. Got a test on Friday on Genetic Basis of Variation.

Work, is calling me. But you know, I always digress.

08:28 p.m., Friday, July 20, 2007

Today was basically pretty uneventful.
Kick backed, slacked and chilled out at Kino after school till the rain stopped at about 6. Strolled to the bus stop at Orchard Boulevard in the after rain backdrop. Not too hot, generally very pleasant.

Rundown of the day. Ended school at 2.10 today, which was hilarious. Jeanette and Aretha were impersonating TLK at the corridor while we were waiting to enter the comp lab for PW which promptly got us bursting into giggles and laughter (eventually reprimanded for the noise but who cares?)

Gave out lots of sweets like a ridiculous christmas elf throughout lessons in class as well as in Aysha's class when I saw them during lecture. Walked to the sports complex to pay fees with Xu Lu and we were in giggle fits all the way or the whole day because of the ridiculous things we did during SPA. Don't ask.

Well, accompanied her to the MRT and she sat with me at the bus stop to wait for my bus with me. We were complaining about the peculiar behaviour of closet muggers. What's the point of being a closet mugger? I do not get it.

I slack, a lot but doing it quite poorly I've been told.

Swung into Provence and started talking to the nice lady who calls me the bleach fan<33 LOL. The milk pan was fresh and warm and oh so good

Yes, Xu Lu said it right, I am absolutely addicted to it.

Went to Kino and sat there, that same old spot and read finish Trudi Caravan's The Magician's Guild which was recommended to me by a few people namely Tiff and Robindro. After which a bit of Murakami's Blind Willow Sleeping Woman. So now I need to read the next book in the trilogy, I think I'll just borrowing from Robindro.

It was all very charming.

Cleared my mind from all the processing and whatever else for the past week. Now a bit more certain of what to do and what I want I guess. Looked at the Food Fest held at Taka a bit, too crowded though so I'll come back tomorrow morning :D

On a side note, going to read Deathly Hallows tomorrow with Sak and Cyn.

07:28 p.m., Wednesday, July 18, 2007

So anyway. I don't know but I've been feeling happier lately. Like watching OotP with the rooftop gang<3 We're so ghei. We start feeling sentimental at all the right times i.e. Sak and Melsie going 'awwwww' in sync when Harry was angsting over his parents photo And laughing at Snape. The whole highlight was the GIANORMOUS amounts of Snarry.

"I will... penetrate you mind"
*cue fangirls to start laughing like hell*

So we were laughing like hell I loved Snape. It was just awesome. Alan Rickman was just too damn good. And Marauder's era Snape was pretty hot. Although technically I'm an SBRL fan, they were sitting together in the scene at Grimmaud Place. LIKE HOMG they are so married Other than that, it was shit because they ditch all the amusing and entertaining bits. No quidditch, no Rita Skeeter, no Aberforth, no Draco... I seriously miss those rabid fangirl moments. It's all these strange tiny things that most people don't notice that makes us so happy as rabid fangirls we were ARE.

I miss them.
Crap. This is like my godknows how many-th time.

This week has been started on a happier note. I feel somewhat less tense, less paranoid and relieved? I've got loads to do actually. I'm a bit worried about how I'll cope with Art Soc on top of my academics and whatever else although I'll start dealing with that when that happens rather than pre-empting it, which is a terrible habit of mine. Mrs Jacob always pointed out I have bouts of useless anxiety like a auntie. I'm kind of looking forward to taking over, in a very strange manner. I guess maybe because there are a ton of things I'll like to try to do which is kind of exciting.

Oh and Francoise is coming over this friday to teach me how to make a mudpie! Totally looking forward to that :D If we have time we'll make cupcakes. Was talking toroi-san about CoM, he keeps me up to date about these sort of things although is terrible at ARPGs or A games in general. I could beat him shitless in GGX and apparently he sucks pretty bad at CoM. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! He tells me he got PWNED by Vexen pretty badly and got to try several times =___= I don't think I ever died in CoM before. Oh wait! I did, on Reverse/Rebirth blasted Ansem. Terribly hard boss, more difficult that the canonical boss Marluxia.

Somehow, I've become class rep by default...? So I had to lug home several extra copies of the handout which made my bag too damn heavy. But it didn't stop me from bouncing to Byakkoya no Musume. Dunno but lately it feels like I'm happier. Like in pre-u sem...?

Whatever.

My music library is horribly extensive. I had a hard time trying to fit some songs into a CD. But if there was one song I just needed it'll be R.E.M's Nightswimming. Why? You know what, I don't know myself. And my mom is coming back soon, finally! But I've been warned about the amount of food she's bought which basically is all in the polysaccharides category.

Got a pile to do.

09:50 p.m., Saturday, July 14, 2007
[music|Utada Hikaru - Keep Tryin']

Been having a lot of thoughts running around my brain lately.

I don't know what to do now.

I could naturally be me around friends. It was just very uncomfortable to try and fit in at school. I had every reason and excuse to be wary of the people in school and so I did. Bulit a lead wall around myself. I didn't care what people thought, I just did what was necessary, absolutely professional. Nothing personal, nothing private. Just business.

The more people tried to get to know me, the warier I became. Sharpened my knives and let out the guns. It really frightens me.

I have the amazing patience (I've been told) to hear other people but I'm fearful of telling others about me.

I'm not shielded by my friends anymore. I know I can survive on my own and be independant but I haven't got anyone to talk to, proper, just being me. Normally. Nothing to hide, letting it all out. No need to think before I say, no need to watch myself.

Maybe all I've been doing is just waiting. Waiting for an opportunity to allow myself to just be me. I was sick of waiting so I end up talking myself out of it. Not just in school, it was equally suffocating without anyone in the house either.

I really truly enjoyed pre-u sem. It's a random thought, but I don't regret it. Not at all. 5 pure days where I could just be me and enjoy myself. I'll never forget what they wrote to me and all the advice they've given me plus those 10-way convo discussions on msn. It was really a breath of fresh air.

I've been lying to myself and telling myself that I'm just taking a much longer time to adjust.

Been looking through old photos, reminding myself of what I have been so hard trying to force myself to forget. Maybe that's why I've been struggling so hard this past year.

Well, kor is leaving tomorrow. Have been spending a lot of time with him this week basically just because I feel that I should be. Or I need to. Something along those lines.

When shopping on Friday which was kind of amusing. We got bemused looks from the salespeople :D I just basically stocked up on clothes because
1. Sis is not around to help me with my non-existent fashion sense
2. I'm a lousy shopper when comes to clothes
3. GOT NO TIME >____>
The last one said everyting didn't it?

There's just been too much to process this week.

P.S. Sorry cyn, didn't want to meet you today because I was feeling too tired. Have been sleeping really late and I immediately went back to sleep after replying your sms.

Random realisation, I actually have to be asked how I feel before I say anything. And then I will think whther I should divluge it or not then end up not saying anything. I really need to learn to stop doing that so often. It must be really frustrating for my friends. Occasionally if it bugs me enough I'll finally say it.

But thanks anyway.

08:36 p.m., Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My sister left this morning. Saw Sak, Audy and Mrs Audy at the airport. I was so mentally prepared that I thought I'd cry, I didn't. Suprisingly. Oh, I apparently looked dejected the whole day because I didn't smile at all as my classmate, Xu Lu tells me. We're the funniest pair, she whips out her book, I whip out my book/PSP and we'll just sit next to each other. She's the closest to me in class and a TK fan! :D Actually, I don't think I smile very much nowadays

I didn't cry mostly because it felt like "I'd be seeing you there in 2 years sort of thing". My parents are keen on sending me there for university. Also because I'm not particularly fond of staying here.

Tomorrow is my A Level Chinese Oral Exam. Oh my tian. But on a happier note, I passed my chinese CT<3 Also a bit pleased to see Kiwi's letter in the mail this afternoon which immediately perked me up (and got me to file my chinese stuff)

09:36 a.m., Tuesday, July 3, 2007
[music|The Police - Meesage in a bottle]

I have a pile of work to do. Totally untouched holiday homework.